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Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Our Manic Monday

5:42 AM
WTF is that?  Why am I all wet?  I guess I gotta get a towel.
Husband, feel this...what is that?
I don't know, but I can't go back to sleep now.  It's soaked...can you sleep on that?
Yup...see you in a bit.
(we won't even talk about what they hell happened b/c I still can't figure it out, but let's just say it was not normal...and yes, I did go back to sleep)

6:15 AM
You went back to sleep.
Yup...
WTF happened to you?
I don't know...I gotta get in the shower to shave my legs.

8:00
Crazies still sleeping.
Contractors getting here between 8:30 and 9:00.
I'll let them sleep til 8:30 and then we'll get out of the house and have breakfast at Panera.

8:30
Contractors still not here.
Crazies still asleep.
Going up to wake them.
Thank God they're in good moods.
Yes, you can wear your pink dressie.
Yes, you can wear your orange excavator shirt.
No, you cannot bring Louie downstairs.
8:57
Waiting in the driveway.
Should I wait for the contractors?
Mommy...let's GO!  I'm hungry.
Decision made.

9:15
Sit down at Panera.
Guess I'm not making it to my class that starts at 9:30.
That sucks.
Eat your breakfast.  Don't touch me.  Eat.  Eat.  Sit down.  Stay there.
Okay, let's go.
Hold hands...

9:35
Hello to Kids' Zone people.
Do you have to pee?
Do you have to poop?
See you later!

10:15
Geez...I'm totally bored of working out.
This sucks.
I want to use that machine and that lady is going sooooo slooooooowly!!!
Good...my turn.

10:45
Time to get in my bathing suit and get ready for the sweaty mess that will be changing the Crazies.
Holy shit...it's hard to put a bathing suit on when you're already sweaty...WTF???
Holy shit...don't let my foot touch the ground.  Ick!
Okay, sweating, but dressed...go ME!

10:55
Hi!  Just came to get Matt and Hailey.
Right...we haven't been here in a while...been away.
Yes, we've missed you too.
Okay guys, here's what we're going to do.  We're going to go to the potty, get dressed in our swim clothes, have a snack, and go up to the pool.
WHY?
Because that's what we're doing.

11:00
Let's go potty.
Yes, you have to try.
See?  I knew you had to go.
Don't touch anything.
Don't touch that.
Don't touch anything
Seriously...stop touching that.

11:05
Sweaty mess...Crazies are dressed.
Let's head upstairs.
We're going this way b/c it will lead up to the pool.
Hold on b/c the stairs might be slippery.
Because I said so!

11:10
Shoes off.
Sunscreen on.
Splash around.
Yes, you can go down the slides.
Swimmies on.

11:42
I wanna snack.
Can you wait until Adult Swim?
NOOOOOOO!!!
Fine, snack time!
Swimmies off.

12:05
I wanna go back on the slide.
No, it's Adult Swim.
WHY???
Go splash in the sprinklers.
Don't drink the water.
That's gross.
Stop splashing me.
I'm gonna get you!
Great...now you're Cheez-its are all wet...nice going.
How would I know where your drink is?
Stop drinking the water.
Nice...I see you making the fountain come out of your private area...very nice...I'm so proud.  
Thumbs up!

12:15
WHISTLE!!
Yes, we can go back on the slide.
Swimmies on.

12:35
WHISTLE!
WTF?
Why are they whistling?
Everyone out?  You heard thunder?
WTF?  This ruins EVERYTHING!!!
Okay, guys...get out of the pool.
Matt!  You cannot go down that slide again!  Come down here RIGHT NOW!!
We have to get out.
Because they said so.
Because it's thundering.
Because it's going to storm.
GET OUT OF THE POOL!!!
Swimmies off.

12:42
We need to clear the pool deck.  It's policy.
I'm moving as fast as I can.
Is that the difference between boys and girls? (asks a father who was next to us with his daughter)
OMG...GET OUT OF THE POOL!  DO YOU SEE HOW YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE IN THE POOL???  GET OUT OF THE POOL...IF YOU GO IN ONE MORE TIME, WE'RE NEVER COMING BACK!
Is that THE difference?  I can't begin to explain how many differences there are.
Yeah...my daughter is so sweet and kind.
Really?  Fuck you.
(I didn't really say that, but I wanted to)

12:45
No, we can't go in that pool.
Because that's where people swim laps and it's too deep.
Because we're not allowed.
Because I said so Goddamnit.
Hold on to the rails...shit...where are your shoes?
You guys go ahead...we've got to go back up.
Because I forgot your shoes.
Because I didn't see them.
Because if we don't have shoes on, we can't go anywhere else!

12:50
Can you please watch them because I can't stomach the thought of having to drag them all the way back out there and explain, again, why we can't go in the pool?  (to a lifeguard who happily obliged)

12:54
Stand on the towel.
Because you can get a disease on your foot.
Because you have a huge gash in your toe that can get infected.
Get out of the lockers.
Don't close the doors.
Yes, we can blowdry your hair.
No, you can't touch my boobies.
Yes, we're going to eat lunch somewhere.
No, I don't think it's raining yet, but it's going to.
Because we need rain.
Because that's what happens in the summer.
Because it just does.

1:06
We made it in the car.
I know it's not raining.
It's going to.
Because I just know.
WTF are we going to do now?
I can't go to the mall with only 15% of battery left in my phone.
We'll go eat burgers.
No, Husband, they haven't eaten yet.
Guilt.

1:10
Okay, we're going to eat lunch.
Leave your drinks in the car...I'm sure they'll have milk here.
We'll have a hotdog, fries, and a bacon cheeseburger.  One small drink and a milk.  
You don't have milk?
Blank stare.
We'll figure it out.

1:12
Sit there.
Don't touch that.
I don't know what that is.
Let me clean that up.
Holy downpour...we're here for a while.
Oh great...you already wiped it on your shirt.
Here's our food.
It's hot.
Don't touch.
Because it's hot.
Because it just came out of the oven.
Because it's hot!
Because you'll burn yourself.
See?

1:50
We're going home.
It's pouring and we have nowhere else to go.
No, we're not going to the mall.
No, we're not going to Home Depot.
Yes, it is raining.
Look outside...it's raining.
That water coming out of the sky is rain...it's raining.
Stay here...I'm putting Hailey in the car.
Getting soaked.
I said to stay there.
Throw him in the car.
Run around to buckle her.
Run back around to buckle him.
No, I didn't take a shower.
I'm wet from the rain.
Because it's raining.
Because it just is.
Yes, I'm soaked.
No, you can't have a snack.

2:00
Hi contractor and working people, we're home.
We had nowhere else to go.
(Insert 45 minutes of asking and answering questions that would be too ridiculously boring for you guys)
Could you guys just be quiet while I'm talking to the guys?
Because I need to concentrate.
Give her back her markers.
Yes, I'll find your princess book.
Yes, you can color in here.
No, you can't use those.
I have no idea where your Lightning sticker is.
No, I don't know where your Minnie phone is.
I'll be right back.
Stop screaming.

2:45
Dudes leave.
I have countertops, but can't figure out what else they did all day.

3:00 
Crazies are asleep.

4:00 
Crazies are asleep.

4:12
Matt is screaming bloody murder.
Go upstairs.
Get told to "get away" from him.
Go back downstairs.
I will not be treated like that.

4:21
Go back up there.
Change back into underwear.
Because you're a big girl now.
Put Sid the Science Kid on TV.
Move my car into the driveway.
Because it's not raining anymore.
Because the rain is done.
Because it's sunny out now.
Because that's what happens during the Summer.

4:51
Inform Husband that Contractor has a dentist's appointment the next morning and that he'll be working late.
Get the go-ahead to go shopping again to get out of the house.
SCORE!

5:21
Text Husband to find out where the hell he is as he told me he was coming home 15 minutes ago.
Welcome him home with open arms.
Watch as he surveys the kitchen.
Beam as he compliments my selection of granite.
Order Chinese food.

5:55
Holy shit!  I never picked up Chinese food.

6:10
We're having a picnic...clean off the rug.
Dog downstairs.
Sit down.
Should we eat in here or in there with them?
Oh, okay...I just want to be able to talk.
Hmph...you're right...they'll never eat.

6:21
Eat.
Eat.
Don't touch that.
Eat.
Love making up perverse meanings for the shit that comes out of Thomas the Train's mouth.  Did you know that when his axles get tingly, he really has a hard-on?  Cinders and ashes really means "holy fucking shit!"
Learn something new every day, don't you?

7:15
Let's go up for baths.
Because you're dirty.
Because it's bathtime.
Because I said so!
Get up the stairs.

8:05
All is quiet.

8:10
Husband dyes my hair.
Thanks for saving us $150 on that little service this month.
Pour wine.

8:45
Get in shower.

9:00 
Chat with Sister on FB.

9:30
Dry hair.

10:32
Go upstairs to bed.

10:38
Get in bed.
Realize Husband has left a Pull-up underneath my covers.
Wake him up from laughing hysterically.
Read.

11:12
Sleep.