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Wednesday, August 3, 2011

May I Introduce You to Captain Shitshispants and Princess Peesalot?

That's right...I have actual royalty living in my house.

So much so that every now and then, they think they're above peeing and pooping (that's right...pooping) on the actual potty.

Gross, right?

But who am I to judge?  After all, they're royalty right?

All I can say, is that being one of their minions is getting really fucking old.

Since this kitchen remodel, Princess Peesalot has had just about one accident every afternoon.  The only afternoon that she skipped?  Yesterday, when we had a babysitter...thanks, Hailey...guess you wanted to spare her the torture that is my job every freaking day, huh?

Didn't you know that babysitting is free birth control, Hailey?

Yesterday, after lugging them around to BJs and Target and not having them pee even ONCE while we were out, Captain Shitshispants decided to blow through three pairs of underwear in 10 minutes.

I almost lost my shit...for real.

Who makes it 12 inches from the potty and the decides "nah...this is good enough...I'll take my shit right here...and then I'll step in it."  Who thinks like that????

Where is the logic???

Then, he's so freaking proud that he pooped and completely ignores the fact that he SHIT ON THE FLOOR!!  Did that completely escape him?

The thing is, they were doing SO WELL.  I think that's it...I had a taste of the good life and then had the rug pulled out from under me.

Maybe they're regressing because of all of the "being out of the house all the time because of the kitchen remodel" upheaval.  Geez...what in the hell will vacation do to them?

I'm screwed.

Oh, and then...wanna know what really sends me over the edge?  When they're standing there, with peeing running down their leg, saying "I have a accident," but they don't stop peeing...they just let it flow!!!

Phrases that inexplicably come to mind these days:

  • STOP!  STOP PEEING!!!  YOU'RE JUST MAKING THIS WORSE FOR ALL OF US!!  STOP!!! 
  • WHY WOULD YOU TAKE A CRAP RIGHT HERE??
  • YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT 12 MORE INCHES?
  • STOP...DON'T DO IT THERE...YOU'RE PEEING ON YOUR BROTHER'S THOMAS BLANKET AND YOUR NEW DANCE OUTFIT THAT YOU'RE GOING TO FREAK OUT ABOUT IF I TAKE IT OFF YOU...WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT??? 


I didn't really totally did say those things out loud.  That would be so mean totally spot on appropriate to convey to my shitting and peeing children.

I would never want to mess my kids up like that...although, if you think about it...most of us are screwed up from something craptastic in our childhood, right?  If our kids aren't a little screwed up, won't they end up being on the outside looking in?  We've gotta give them something...they'll have nothing to talk about at summer camp.

So, sorry to vent about our latest setbacks...they're just driving me batshit crazy lately.  Other than yesterday, I guess they're holding it together pretty well.  

Me, on the other hand?  Not so much...obviously.

What's up with you guys today?