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Monday, September 5, 2011

Removal and Guilt

Oftentimes, when I'm geographically removed from a situation, I lose all concept of what could possibly be happening elsewhere.  I'm surrounded by such immediate needs and wants of the Crazies that it's really hard to think outside that moment...outside the walls of my own house...until late at night when I'm trying to fall asleep.

I am removed...physically, yes, but also mentally.

That's when the guilt creeps in.

I've written before about how guilty I feel being away from my Nana...she's old...her husband is even older.

He fell a couple of months ago.  She couldn't help him.

He couldn't help her.  I couldn't help them.

It drove me nuts.

Then, I started to drive myself nuts...promising to call and then not doing it...telling her that I'd send pictures and then forgetting to do it.  It drove me nuts.

Her husband eventually came home and she had her companion once again.  She was happy (still complaining though b/c, let's face it, she's old.  That's what old people do).

Something happened this week...he had to be taken out of their home again.  I'm unclear on the details, but I feel horrible.  They were without power until Wednesday...I never called.

Why?

Removal?

I knew people in NY were still without power...why didn't it occur to me to call?  It would have taken less than 10 minutes.  This is where the guilt takes over.  What if something happened?  What if she needed someone to talk to?  Granted, I can't do much from where I am, but I can make a damned phone call...

I'm going to call her today to see if I can find out more details.  I know she's depressed because her companion is failing...he's not in a great place...therefore, she's not in a great place.  Their happinesses are so closely linked...I admire that.

Yet, I'm still removed.

Sometimes I think it would be great to live to almost 90 years...think of all they've seen.  More often, not one single cell in my body wants to do that because it's got to be so hard to experience all of that loss...where would one come up with the motivation to live another day?

I will call today...I will find out some more information.  If nothing else, I will let her talk...I'm sure she needs that more than anything.

I'm done with the removal...I need to be more present in her life.

She deserves to have a place in my daily routine...she's owed at least that much.