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Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Candy Land = Family Wrecker

Husband's Bright Idea:  "Let's have a family game night.  I'll do the dishes while you get Candy Land out.  I brought it downstairs already."

What I Heard:  "I'll do the dishes."

What Hailey Thought:  "Cool...a pretty picture that I can touch.  I'll sit very well and follow instructions."

What Matt Thought:  "Time to act like a huge prick."

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everything in italics was in my head or muttered through my teeth

Okay, ready to hear the directions?
Yes!
NO!
(grabs phone)
Pick a player.
I want green...it's my favorite color with red and orange, but orange first.  That's my real favorite color and Hailey will be blue.
O-tay!
Great...let's get started.  I'll hold the cards.
No...I wanna hold the cards.
Sorry, it says in the directions that an adult has a hold the cards.
(scowl)
(smile)
(blissful ignorance with his phone)
Great...I got double red.
My turn!  I got yeyyow!
Dad, it's your turn...ahem, Daddy...
Oh, okay, I got the popsicle.
Wow, you guys!  Daddy gets to be almost to the end!  That's amazing!
(Who the fuck picks that on their first turn?)
I wanna get to da end...wight now!  I wanna win!
Matt, ready?  It's your turn.  What did you draw?
I got bwue...I don't yike bwue.  I need anutter card.
Sorry, you only get one card.  We'll see what you get next time.
No, I want orange or I'm not pwaying.
Well, let's try for orange next time, okay?  Move your guy.
I don't want to.
Okay, great...my turn (with forced optimism)!  Oh wow...I got double orange!
(Great...that's just fucking great.  I just started WWIII.)
Dat's MY FAVORITE CARD!!!  I NEED IT!
It's my turn though, so I'm going to move my guy (wrestling to move my piss yellow dude while Matt is trying to move his guy to the orange spot rather than the blue one that he so rightfully earned).
I got cupcake!
Great...put your man on the cupcake...good job!
Daddy...your turn...
Wow.  Double orange...
(OMG...another meltdown to occur over double orange...I swear that Matt's head is going to spin off of his body!)
Great job, Daddy...congratulate Daddy you guys...he's almost finished with the game (what in the world will he do with himself then, huh?)
I want two oranges...they're MINE!  
(Daddy, put your fucking phone down and help me discipline this kid...you're making me CRAZY!!!)
Well, let's see what you draw.
ARGGGHHHHH...purple!?!  I don't yike purple...(throwing dude across the room).

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Hailey, you won!  Great job!  Matt, please congratulate your sister.
NO!
Matt, let's be a good sport.
No...I want to win and I'm not going upstairs until I get to the castle.
I got to the castle!
That's right...you won, but we can keep playing.
(ohmygod,putyourfuckingphonedownanddislodgeoneofthesechildrenfrommylap
sincethiswasyourgoddamnideainthefirstplace)
I don't wanna pway anymore, but I'm gonna put my guy here.
Well, you're moving backwards.  You want to go this way...to the castle.
I don't wanna go to the castle!!!
Okay, then I'll go.  Great...I get to go backwards (making this game last even longer).  Okay, Daddy's turn!
Daddy.
Daddy.
Dad, it's your turn.
Oh, sorry...I was checking something really important.  Okay...look!  I'm in the castle!
(WTF?)
Good job, Daddy!
(forced fake enthusiasm)
I don't wanna go in the castle!
Great...just me and Matt.
(if you don't put the fucking phone down and help me, I'm going to kill you...this was your damn idea in the first place...get him off of me!!!)
Okay, Matt...you're turn!  Look!  Double orange...good for you!
Gweat...I'm in the castle.
(piece goes skittering across the ground)
Hailey, we don't throw our pieces.
Good game, everyone!  Time for baths!

* This recount may not be verbatim, but trust me...verbatim was worse and WAY more annoying.
**  How in the world does someone teach a couple of 3-year olds good sportsmanship?
***  Is it me?  Or would ONLY a man decide to have family game night after dinner and before baths?
****  Please tell me I'm not the only woman whose husband is on the phone at ridiculous times.  I can't be the only one!