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Friday, December 9, 2011

Friday Night Leftovers

Thanks Danifred...I needed this!

Went to see Santa today.
He was supposed to be there at 9:00.
The dude in his important looking black shirt told me Santa didn't start until 10:00.
The humongous sign said otherwise.
The dude didn't seem to acknowledge this even when it was pointed out to him.
The dude was intellectually challenged, I guess...or just a huge asshole...whatever.
We did some shit...bought makeup and looked at boots. 
I realize the Crazies have immaculate taste in boots.
We came back and were 2nd in line.
We waited for another 15 minutes until they vacuumed the fucking carpet...ya know, so people could walk on it all day long.
We get in the gates and Matt immediately goes limp.
Matt crawls back to the stroller like he's a baby.
Hailey climbs on Santa's lap unassisted.
I kneel down to Matt and hiss, "This is your chance...this is your chance to see Santa.  Don't blow it."
I realize it's a good thing I'm not a pageant Mom.
Then a lightbulb appears over my head.
I hiss, "If you go sit on that man's lap right now, you'll get a pretzel."
Matt sprints over to Santa's lap.
He's fine.
The dude takes the picture.
Santa is very nice to the Crazies.
He tells them to listen to me and not to fuss so much.
I slip him a $20.
We get to the place with the computer, images, and other people in important looking black shirts.
They show me the pictures.
I choose the least offensive.
They tell me to choose my package.
I ask where the one is that I've bought for the last two years.
They don't do that anymore.
I choose the cheapest one instead...after all, I own a scanner.
They try to upsell me.
I promptly turn them down.
The Crazies gymnastically climb back into the stroller with the visions of pretzels dancing in their heads.
I pay.
I inform them that a nearby school district has a half day, mention that a lot of people will probably be at the mall, and wish them luck.
There's a nice "fuck you" for making me waste an hour of my life.
I shove my expensive new photos in the stroller.
We go to get our pretzel.
On the way there, the Crazies are literally kicking the shit out of each other in the stroller.
I stop.
Hailey does something nasty and I tell her she's about to get a time-out.
Matt promptly gives me a thumbs up and says, "Yeah, Mom...give her a time out."
I giggle (inappropriately, but it breaks the tension).
Matt then says, "Can you just leave this girl here and we'll go get our pretzels?"
I question his sanity...and whether or not he really knows her name.
We get our pretzels.
The dude asks if I want a drink.
He has no idea how badly I want a fucking drink.
I politely ask for a small diet coke.
He has to screw all of the fucking things on the soda machine before pouring my diet coke.
I restrain myself from asking why he couldn't just screw on the one for the diet coke and let me be on my way.
We walk away.
I break pretzels into fifty smaller pieces...realize I should have gotten the pretzel nuggets.  DUR.
I enter the Loft.
I feel at peace.
I buy myself three shirts for no good reason.
Again, the Crazies and their impeccable taste help me in the dressing room (which I couldn't close the door because the stroller wouldn't fit and some bitch with only one child and a much smaller stroller was in the handicapped room...this, and my Grand Canyon belly button, is why I always wear a tank top under my clothes).
BTW, Matt tells me everything looks great and tells me to buy everything.
I love this kid.
Hailey tells me which color she likes best and why.
I love this kid.
We go up to pay and the Crazies are one again kicking the living shit out of each other, but this time they've added throwing their sippies at me while screaming, "I DONE!!!  I DONE WIT DIS!"
I smile at the sales associate and she smiles back...she gets it.
I hiss at them something about how they're so close to Santa and he's seeing all of this.
They don't even flinch.
We leave.
I hear an audible relieved sigh as we walk out the door.
We visit another store for some of Husband's gifts.
The Crazies begin shouting all of the colors in the world at me b/c that's why they want to get for Dad.
I quickly get our shit and head for the cashier.
I see another Mom with a very small baby (and a very expensive diaper bag).
I compliment her on her diaper bag.
She tells me who made it...some Petunia Pig Lips thing...I don't know about these things anymore (nor did I really care if we're being honest).
I mumble something about it being so huge for such a little baby (remember, I never used a diaper bag).
Matthew screams at the top of his lungs and Hailey smacks him in the face.
She looks at me.
I tell her something along the lines of, "Yeah...I used to look at kids too and say it would never be my kid, but it'll happen to you one day too.  It will shock you at first, but you get used to it."
She puts her shit on hold...I'm pretty sure b/c she didn't want to talk to me anymore.
I scare people.
Her baby was cute, but I felt bad for her b/c of the whole pierced ears on a baby thing.
No judgement...I just feel bad.
Oh, and I'm probably a little bit jealous b/c I can't wear earrings and that little tiny baby can.
We visit Williams Sonoma, but seriously...there is way too much shit in there.  It's ridiculous.  I won't even go into how many displays I ruined in there.
We leave through Macy's and I stop to talk with my favorite Origins associate. 
I'm pretty sure she hates me though b/c I never buy anything from her.
I love her though.
She gave me some awesome aromatherapy shit on my hands and it instantly relaxed me.
Like I said, I love her.
I was sniffing my fingers like a coke addict though...that's kinda weird.
As we make our way to the door, the Crazies are asking questions like, "how did those ornaments get up there?" and "why does that man with no head have lights around his shoulders?" and "who gets to open all of those presents?"
We stop by the door to get our shit together because I know someone is going to stalk me for my fucking awesome parking spot.
We fight about who is and is not going to wear a jacket into the parking lot.
Hailey loses...that's what she gets for choosing a dress with short sleeves.
I back my ass up into the door and some sweet new mother with her baby carrier all strapped up perfectly helps me out.
I tell her how jealous I am b/c I could never wear one of those.
It's really because her baby is quiet though.
As predicted, we are stalked for our fucking awesome parking spot.
I yank each Crazy from the stroller.
Hailey's screaming about not wanting to wear her jacket, so I throw her in and tell her to take it off.
Sniff fingers.
I start to get Matt out and he goes a wet blanket. 
Sniff fingers.
My hernia starts to act up.
I yank him out and go around to the other side of the car.
He's strapped in...done.
Sniff fingers.
I go back to the stroller and start to get my bags out.
Sniff fingers.
The lady is still waiting for me.
I don't even glance in her direction.
Sniff fingers.
I go back to the stroller.
Hailey wails, "I want the rest of my pretzel!!!"
Sniff fingers.
I strap her in...done.
I put the bags in the trunk.
I pull the remnants of the pretzel (that she will forget about in 3.6 seconds) out of the stroller.
I lug the stroller into the trunk and congratulate myself for remembering to pull the pretzel back out before closing it.
Sniff fingers.
I hoist my ass into the drivers' seat and start to hand out snacks while simultaneously turning Frosty on the DVD player (a treat...typically I tell them that the DVD player doesn't work if we haven't been in the car for an hour).
I back out of my space (again without glancing at the stalker)...done.
Sniff, sniff, sniff...

So, I'm done...officially done.  I REALLY hope I don't have to go back to the mall.

Here is our picture (yes, I took a picture of a picture even though, as I mentioned, I have a scanner...don't judge me...I am that lazy):

I told Hailey to keep her legs closed because she was wearing a dress.  She replied, "Dat's right...we don't want everyone seeing my Honey."  We have no idea why she calls it a Honey, but we love it.  I'm pretty such Santa appreciates such advice as well.

UPDATED:  How did I get through "sniff fingers" so many times without saying "that's what she said?"

Also, Hailey never asked for the fucking pretzel...and I completely neglected to mention that she fought with me b/c she insisted I said "present" and not "pretzel."  That was fun too.