Sister is about to have a baby. I'm totally psyched. Said baby is nicknamed "Nugget" for the time being as they have yet to decide on a name.
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| Look at that little bowling ball belly! Love it!!! |
Yes, I've given my 2 cents (even though it wasn't asked for)! Yes, I was shot down immediately.
No hard feelings though. The last piece of advice I gave (upon realizing that anything I suggested wouldn't work) was to make sure you were comfortable yelling that name over and over again while being blatantly ignored.
Anyway, I was thinking about what I could get for them when Nugget arrived. After all, I have two babies...I should have excellent gift ideas, right? WRONG! I can't think of a thing.
Then I started thinking about how much wisdom I have. Seriously...I am a wise being (no, not a wise ass).
What was the thing about having a baby (babies) that surprised me most? The effect the whole thing had on my marriage.
I think this surprises most couples because we all live in denial for so long...oh, having a baby won't change us that much...oh, we'll still be able to go out...oh, we'll definitely make time for each other...oh, he can help me with the baby at night.
God, it's amazing the lies we tell ourselves, right? There's no way to avoid it. We're all scared shitless, but we have no choice but to lie to ourselves. The lies get us through the pregnancy We're freaking out enough about the fact that there is going to be an entirely new BEING in our lives who is completely dependent on us without mentioning the effect it could have on your marriage.
So, I've tried to think about some things I could mention so that Sister and BIL aren't caught completely off guard.
Here's what I've come up with (feel free to add your own pieces of wisdom in the comments, but please, don't make them better than mine. I really like Sister to think I'm the wisest person in the Universe):
- Get over yourself and ask for help. You're not going to want to do this, but it will make your life a zillion times better. Your husband is there. He wants to help. Put him to work. Make him feel useful. Get him involved. It is not admitting that you can't do it all, but you're creating a bond between him and new baby. He's freaked out too...push him off the cliff.
- You will hate your body for a while. You will judge yourself much more harshly than your husband. Plus, if he's living in the same house as you, he'll be too bleary-eyed to see you (and your newly found "problem areas"). That will work to your advantage.
- There will be nights when you think he's absolutely about of his mind. Husband spent nights beating the living shit out of his pillow when the Crazies wouldn't sleep through. Apparently he thought this was helpful, but I thought it was certifiable. I have a friend whose husband would sit on the end of their bed, holding the baby, rocking back and forth, repeating "Ican'tfuckingbelievethis. Ican'tfuckinghandlethis. Thereisnofuckingreasonforthecrying. Shutthefuckup!" Amazingly, their children, their marriage, and his sanity remained intact b/c she took over all nighttime wake-ups even though she was working full time too. He just couldn't handle it and even though it's not "fair," it's a lot better than your psychotic husband inadvertently hurting one of your children.***
- There will be times when you are overwhelmed (either by sleep deprivation or hormonal imbalances) and you just need to say "tell me what to do and I will do it." I specifically remember getting to this point when one of the Crazies was sick. I'd be questioning whether or not to give them medicine or call the doctor. I'd hem and haw for a while when I just needed someone to tell me what to do. It's overwhelming which is why you have a partner.
- Talk to each other. This sounds obvious. You live in the same house. You have to communicate, but communicating is different from actually talking. Sit down and have conversations. Write notes about things you want to run by your husband/wife and make time to do so. Discuss your parenting decisions. Discuss whether or not you REALLY want to return to work. Discuss your health. I think this is so important because you can get so lost on the day-to-day stuff of just surviving the first year that you forget about the fact that there are some really important discussions that need to take place too.
Here are some tidbits from my FB friends (you didn't know I did this, did you, Sister???):
- Get the baby on a schedule.
- Be REALLY nice to each other (even if you have to fake it).
- Let the middle of the night arguments go.
- Go out alone for an hour or two when you're really missing your old life. Chances are, you'll be running back home soon enough.
- Take full advantage of helpers.
- Don't stick to a plan too rigidly (i.e. breastfeeding if it's not working).
- Let your husband take care of the baby and feel successful even if it's not the way you would do things.
- Enjoy a couples weekend away in the first year.
- Allow each other a girls/guys night out every now and then.
- Know that it does get easier.
- Communicate and be willing to compromise.
- Work as a team.
- Know how to recognize that the other parent needs a break.
- Ignore the petty issues.
- Keep at least one hobby/activity that is yours and yours alone.
- Pray for each other.
- Have sex, even if you think you're too tired.
On a more personal note, Sister and BIL, I think you're going to be wonderful parents and Nugget is so lucky to have both of you on her side. What you both bring to parenthood will create a wonderful union of intelligence, humor, patience, drive, enthusiasm, and love. I can't wait to see it all happen...even if it's mostly via Skype!
So, that's all I have...thoughts? Additions? Well wishes for the new parents-to-be?
*** Disclaimer: This is one of the most gentle men I have ever met, but he couldn't deal with the sleep deprivation. It shocked me when she shared this with me.
14 comments:
excellent post! we both read it and liked what you had to offer, oh wise woman. we'll probably have to refer back to this post a few hundred times in the next several months!
and don't worry, nugget will have a real name as soon as we meet her!
Congrats to them!!!
I don't have any genius advice...The infant/toddler years are the easiest...so when you're up at 1 am, 3 am, 5 am, etc. Just keep in mind...it gets worse.
(That wasn't very positive and encouraging, was it?)
Before the birth, go out to lunch, coffee, dinner, etc. by yourself (and together) and enjoy the time. You will never be alone again. ;)
Great post - glad you referenced it so I could find it again!!
Here's one piece of advice: find a babysitter early on! We have no family near us to rely on to watch the kids so we HAD to find a sitter when they were infants or we'd have NEVER gotten out of the house. I have friends who have NEVER had a babysitter- they solely depend on family and if no one is free- they're screwed. While it stinks to always pay a sitter - its worth it for sanity's sake and I'm glad we have several options for who to call when we want to get out!
i saw this in my reader last week but when i clicked on it, it said it did not exist :(. thanks for re-linking.
two things we were told that were great pieces of advise for us: If you have no intentions of co-sleeping Dont! never ever allow it. make sure you follow the rule that mommy and daddys bed is just that....theirs! when K says she is scared or wants to sleep in our bed i tell her there is no room and she can sleep on the floor...that never happens and off to her own bed she goes.
the second thing i was told was that the baby always wakes up when you put her in her crib because she is going from the warm comforts of your chest/arms to a cold sheet. so we invested in a long heatig pad and would place it on the sheet on low for a few mins before putting the baby down. remove it and place the baby down and voila....you still have a sleeping baby!
I just wanted to reinforce the sex. Make a schedule for sex. Have sex. Sex is important. If for nothing else to prove you are adults in a relationship and said little alien has not taken total control!!!
Oh, and crying doesn't kill babies! If they are fed, dry, and have no visible issues it's most likely a personal problem-they need their personal space too. I usually chose this time to go down two floors to the basement and fold laundry. Laundry folding can be very therapeutic!
I just wanted to reinforce the sex. Make a schedule for sex. Have sex. Sex is important. If for nothing else to prove you are adults in a relationship and said little alien has not taken total control!!!
Oh, and crying doesn't kill babies! If they are fed, dry, and have no visible issues it's most likely a personal problem-they need their personal space too. I usually chose this time to go down two floors to the basement and fold laundry. Laundry folding can be very therapeutic!
Best thing we did was to alternate night feedings. I'd take one feeding, then he'd take the next. It saved us.
I can tell you why no-one's commenting.
That night when you published in error, there was nothing when we all clicked over. GR then doesn't reshow that post even if you publish at a later time.
One of the things we learned to do, and are still doing, is creating those "old life" moments for ourselves as a couple.
We didn't have a date night for about 16 months (long story). When we finally did, I put all this effort into the perfect evening...it was great, but expensive, and exhausting...and frankly, a bit of a let-down when things didn't go perfectly.
We still have our date nights, but what's great for us as a couple is to watch TV together...record a ballgame and make tailgate food to share once the girls are in bed...play a board game in front of the fireplace with the cat...play with the cat.
Some of those sound pretty mundane, I'm sure, but it's "us". And I think having "down time" together...not just a fancy dinner once a month...is so important.
For a very long time, we were too tired / disengaged to make the effort to do those things. We'd get all our chores done at the end of the day, and Husband would crash by 9:00. It's really been helpful to make the time to just "hang out".
So many great points, Rebecca! I seriously had no idea how hard this whole "baby thing" would be. As much as I wanted to "incorporate the babies into our lives" and not "change our lives to revolve around the baby", it just didn't work for us. While I appreciated that advice in some respects, I think having that as my "goal" / how I *thought* things *should* be actually made things a hell of a lot harder.
Thanks for posting this. We have an 8 month old and he is the most amazing little man to ever grace this Earth - but man is it HARD on a marriage! My husband and I are still trying to figure out how to be "us", now that we have our son. We still argue in the middle of the night, we still bicker because we are sleep deprived, we still neglect each other, and sex is still very infrequent. I'm praying it gets easier!!!
Geez, I'm not very encouraging! I promise, it is 100% worth it, but it isn't easy!
Marcia's right...I totally forgot about this post! I love all your advice and how open and honestly you lay it all out there. Yes, it is HARD incorporating a baby into your life. Yes, a lot of things will change...but I felt better and more normal about everything (parenting, marriage, etc.) when I was able to realize the fact that I am still ME.
While MandyE said the attempt to incorporate babies into her life made it harder, I absolutely love that there are some things we did NOT change, just for the sake of having new family members. We still do a lot of things we used to do (go out to eat often, take impromptu day trips, etc.), and now it's a way of life for our girls as well. So if it's important to you, find a way to make it work, even with a baby in tow! : )
Totally agree with finding time to just hang out--do NOTHING, if you want--either with your spouse or alone. Just half an hour can make a huge difference.
Best wishes to the new family!
For the record- it's the same the third time around too :)
Pull up the big girl panties and apologize when you know you are in the wrong and over reacted. Sleep deprivation can cause diarrhea of the mouth.
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