No, this is a touchy subject.
The subject of bullying is all over the place.
It is a serious issue.
However, there comes a point where a serious issue gets overdone. There comes a point where it's overused as an excuse. There comes a point where it's used as an explanation for everything that happens on this entire earth.
Except no one wants to call the overuse of bullying out as we did when the term "sex addict" was blown way out of proportion. Remember that? When everyone and their mother was a sex addict or "had a problem and had to go to rehab" because of their addiction to sex? I believe that ended when Tiger Tiger Tiger Woods y'all had to go to rehab because of his "problem." I think the people of our world had had enough. We were sick of blaming the fact that people did stupid shit on their "disease" and really started to want people to take responsibility for their actions.
And we still do.
However, how do you take a serious problem, like bullying, and really center it around the heart of the matter...really make sure that the true issues are being looked at rather than a bunch of fluff...and at what point does being honest with someone become bullying?
I like honesty.
It works for me.
Fakeness (not a word...whatever...go with it) is not my personality. It's not who I am. My facial expressions typically give me away anyway, so I can't fall back on being fake. I suck at it.
I'm much better at honesty.
So, where does one draw the line?
Here is the definition of a bully from dictionary.com:
Okay, let's face it...I chuckled at "pimp."
Moving on...blustering, quarrelsome, overbearing, habitual behavior. That's what I get from it. There are people like this out there...many people...people we all hate (and now that we're adults can just write off as assholes). Isn't adulthood wonderful?
We've learned to deal with these people. I'm not saying it's right, but we've had to learn to deal with these people because they're out there and they're not going away.
We've all encountered a bully at one point or another.
Most of us have been a bully at one point or another as well. It's Darwinism...survival of the fittest. If someone does it to you, you're going to do it to someone else who is smaller and weaker than you. It's also a defense mechanism..."kick the dog" rings a bell, but it's been too many years since my psych degree to quote that accurately.
Again, I'm not saying it's right, but it is human nature.
Bullying is a problem. It's been a problem for a long time. Long long long ago, it was seen as something else...survival.
So, is there a formula? Are there certain kids who are bullied/targeted/picked out? Probably. As a former teacher, I can tell you that there are kids who deflect negative comments easily and kids who aren't able to do so. Personally, I think it's harder with the girls to figure out who is going to be the target. Girls are vicious and you never know who their target is going to be.
I remember a mother telling me that her daughter didn't want to go away on their family vacation that week because whoever left town was the girl that her group "hated." As vicious as that sounds, I can totally remember "getting mad" at someone for no reason at all...just because everyone else did.
So, what is my point in all of this? I do have one...or more than one.
First, I don't want the term "bully" or "bullying" to become overused. Terms that become overused often become a joke, become unimpactful (not a word, but you get the gist), or become not as important as they should actually be.
Second, I want to be clear about what a bully is. I believe the part of the definition that include the word "habitually" is of utmost importance. A bully is someone who systematically tears someone down for no good reason. It's not one comment. It's not one look. It's not one act of ignoring something that you know is wrong. It is a habitual and controlled process of destroying someone. It is getting up in the morning and deciding how you're going to torture that person for the day. It is getting a band of your "friends" together to work this person over as a group. There is a system to it. There is a certain obsessiveness to it, in my opinion. There is a thought process that never stops.
To me, it borders on stalking.
Third, I want to be clear about what I mean by honesty. In our society, we have become so afraid of hurting someone's feelings that we have gone way over to the other side. We avoid honesty to a fault. We give participation trophies to kids who barely showed up to games. Remember, trophies are for winners...not participants. We give E's to kids who fail their classes. Why? Because an F would make them feel like a failure and an E might soften the blow. Well, they ARE a failure. They failed the class because they failed to do the work because they failed to come to class because they failed to invest in their education. Why shouldn't they actually fail the class? We have come up with a multitude of words to save people's feelings...oh, you're fat, we'll just call it "unhealthy." Oh, you're sitting around your house smoking pot all day and not getting a job...we'll just call you "unmotivated." Oh, your house is being foreclosed on...we'll just blame it on the market. We won't look at the fact that you are making bad choices which are impacting your life directly. We'll soften the blow by using niceties and that way no one's feelings will be hurt.
Well, frankly, I'm a little sick of it. Let's be honest.
This has been on my mind for a while, but I haven't said anything because I just wasn't sure where this was going, but then I saw this:
I'm not saying that what this guy wrote wasn't nice...it wasn't nice and he's probably a dick. What I have an issue with is her putting herself in the same category with kids struggling with being mentally challenged, having a different skin color, or sexual preference. Those are all things that people CAN'T CHANGE!!! You can change being overweight...you can make little changes all day long that will help your quest in being overweight.
Oh, and stop linking what this one person said to being bullied. You weren't bullied by this person. He said something that hurt your feelings...it happens. There was nothing habitual about what this person wrote. This person probably doesn't write you an email every single day complaining about how you're overweight. This was one comment made by one asshole about something he believes in. And yes, it's different from what you believe in. And yes, he was being honest...honesty isn't always sunshine and unicorns.
Anyway, I just don't think this lady should be getting all of this recognition for coming out against bullying. Her situation was not a bullying situation and should not be likened to a bullying situation. It's completely different. Oh, and let's not forget that she's also an adult and has coping mechanisms and should be able to deal with critique. She's a public figure, for God's sake...I'm sure she's had her share of critique and just because no one had the balls to point out her weight before, doesn't mean that it hasn't been a factor for people integral in her career. I could place a bet on the fact that it's been an issue, but that wouldn't be very nice now, would it?
So, to wrap up this rant...bullying is different from making a comment that could hurt someone's feelings. Bullying is a habitual and planned attack on someone's psyche. Unfortunately, it usually happens to children who lack the foresight to know that life gets better and the bully is probably going to be some pot smoking loser who can't get a job. They also lack the coping skills for their hurt feelings and that's where adults can step in.
Not only can adults step in and deal directly with the bully, but we can also teach coping skills. We need to teach our children to be able to deal with people who hurt their feelings, who have different opinions, who act and speak like complete assholes. Those people are out there and they always will be. If we teach our children how to deal with them, I believe they'll be better off. The bullies...well, karma is a bitch...so are stalking laws, but I'm sure they'll find out soon enough.
9 comments:
I agree that the term bullying is overused. I guess with the rise in suicide rates we are all so scared to let anything go without addressing it. As a teacher I see chidren who manipulate their parents into believing they are being bullied when they infact are the ones generating the problem. It is such a touchy subject and you never want to be the one to speak out because heaven forbid something should happen. I have to admit that I take every allegation seriously "just in case" but often I feel like it is overkill. Do we really need to hold a parent conference when someone doesn't ask the other child to play with them at recess one day?
It would be amazing if everyone was always nice but that isn't human nature. I think you are right children need to learn how to deal with conflict (Obviously there are situations where this isn't possible)and address the issue straight on.
Normally I love your posts, but this one struck a chord with me - particularly the "don't blame your foreclosure on the market - it's because you made poor choices" line.
My house WAS foreclosed on, and it wasn't because of poor choices. We bought the house in September, 2008. My husband lost his job in December, 2008. We were NEVER late on a payment, until April, 2011 - when my husband still couldn't find a job and we were struggling, had a baby on the way, etc. I called the bank (B of A - assholes) and nope, they don't take partial payments. Really? So we listed the house, but because of the market, we had to list it for a short sale. We applied for all of the government programs through the Making Homes Affordable program, but didn't qualify for any of them. We got a cash offer, over listing price, the day after we listed our house, but the bank refused to look at the offer, and foreclosed on our house instead. So tell me, where were my poor choices? Paying my mortgage on time for 2.5 years while my husband was unemployed - was that a poor choice? I didn't choose to have the market collapse. I didn't choose to reduce our income. I don't blame anyone. I'm not acting like a victim. I'm the result of a very crappy financial situation. But I am responsible and I do make good choices. So please, maybe you can choose to be a little less abrasive when talking about subjects you have have never experienced.
Megan, I'm really sorry that happened to you, but I was speaking generally. All situations are different and there were a lot of people effected by the market in ways that were out of their control...myself included (although not to the magnitude that you were). Clearly my generalization struck a nerve. I hope you can look past that though to the real meaning behind this post...bullying vs honest. Thanks for your comment.
I agree and disagree with this post - this is clearly NOT a case of bullying - the guy was just a jerk. His comments were mean and hurtful and unnecessary, and you can't tell me he was coming from a place of "Gee, I bet this chick doesn't know she's a fatass, I should tell her." -- he was TRYING to be mean - and she had every right to call him out - but he's not a bully. Just an asshole. Neither are acceptable, but they're not the same thing.
the bullying thing is way overblown these days. we were all bullied for one thing or another. i think it's just part of growing up and learning how to respect differences. hubby and i groan when we hear about it over and over again in the news. this is not to say that bullying doesn't hurt and isn't mean. bullies typically have low self esteem and bullying makes them feel better in the short run, but they don't do so well in the long run unless they change their ways.
and ahem, i must call you out on your bullying ways when we were young. again, part of growing up but you could be mean! i still second guess myself in the morning and think "what would bec say?" hahaha...see i can laugh about it now...through my tears ;)
I just read over my previous post and I don't like how I come accross. I believe childhood is really tough and kids need people in their corner. I think it is impossible for children not to feel down when someone singles them out or says something they perceive as hurtful. I guess my point was that sometimes it seems like children can view things as hurtful when they seem so insignificant to me. However, maybe it isn't for me to judge what is worthy of hurting someone else or what can be deemed as bullying. Lord knows that some of the things my husband or friends have said to me in passing have stuck with me. Plus I can still remember things people said to me in middle school. Of course I am not sitting in the fetal position crying my eyes out over it, or claiming to be bullied. I guess my point is, that different people have different levels of tolerance and who are we to judge what it is. I am a blunt shoot from the hip type of girl but can I expect that of other people. My parents always taught us to shake things off and to move forward but sometimes a little empathy would have been nice.
Anyways, I like posts that make me think and I have been thinking about this one since this morning.
Your post is dead on and got me fired up. I am tired of "bullying" and "victim" and "life isn't fair" attitudes. People act like these are new phenomenons.
BULLYING
I was bullied and survived by HANDLING the situation myself. Mommy and Daddy didn't fight my fight. I agree with you, the best thing you can do is teach your children which people are assholes, who are bullies, and how to handle both. We are not responsible for teaching our children JUST to know when to say please and thank you. We also have to teach them how to handle uncomfortable situations. They will gain self-confidence knowing they, themselves, faced and handled a confrontation.
VICTIMS
As an elder, the current belief of being victims of this or that drives me INSANE! Life throws you shit. Always has. Always will. Appreciate life when things are going smoothly. Know that it will be unbearable at times and PLAN for it. My husband became disabled before he was 40. Had to give up a very lucrative dental practice. What did we do? I went from part-time work to primary income maker. In '08, we lost a third of our 35 year marriage investments. Money we were planning on using in retirement. Was it upsetting? Sure. Were we victims? A lot of people were in the same situation, so no, we were NOT victims. What did we do? We sulked about a week. Then we sat down, had a heart-to-heart and figured out changes we had to make. BIG life changes. Made them. Then we moved on. Would I change what happened to us? NO! We are better because of them. It made our marriage even stronger.
LIFE IS NOT FAIR
I am so sick of hearing from my peers that their child got a degree in some feel-good, easy-ass field while simultaneously complaining they can't find a job. Guess what? Work is work. The advice of get a job in a field you "love" is bullshit. Save the feel-good stuff as your pastime. Select an in-demand field and stop your whining about how it isn't fair that you can't find a job you love. Both of my sons EACH went into $150,000 debt in order to pursue a professional degree. They knew from a young age we would give them one, just one degree. They made the choice to become a dentist and an attorney and knew they had to fund graduate school themselves. They both live frugally while paying off their student debts. They don't complain that it's too sacrificing to do so. They signed their names to the student loans. They're responsible. The government shouldn't bail them out because of a decision they made. The same applies to mortgages. Just because you qualify for an amount doesn't mean you can afford it. Think of worst case scenarios as well as the best.
My favorite contemporary quotation is, "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it." You're truly a must happier person when you wear them.
OMG! You nailed it!!!
Please, please, please cut/paste that last part and blast it to the world in response to the news woman.
Chubby girl to chubby girl I wanted to scream "put your big girl panties on and deal with it!
it's what The rest of us do!
I agree with the majority of your post.
The majority of fat people can lose weight. There are some medical reasons why people are fat but I think you are right most of us fat folks can do things to lose weight.
As far as the parents stepping in the help fight the bullying. Well one of the guys I work with tried to help his son and the school kept ignoring it. His son finally snapped and punched one of the bullies. They both got exspelled and the bully threatend him. So he got to sit at home scared for his life and the bully threw something through his window. The bully got in big trouble and it finally stopped. Before it all happened the dad asked the vp what is going to take? him going to the hospital for it to stop? It's sad that it all had to go down like that.
I agree people are over using the term bullying when kids are honestly being picked on day in and day out and pushed, punched and host of other things but, if a teacher doesn't see it they can't do anything about it. So what does a kid do? That's my only question.
I always stood up to people. Even boys so I never got pushed around. I may only be 5' 4" but don't piss me off! haha
Great post over all. I honestly get the point. I know my comment is way late. I just wanted to put my 2 cents in.
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