So, this post may piss people off, but I'm not going to give enough of my opinion away to really send anyone over the edge.
What happened in CT on Friday is devastating. I cannot believe that it happened and weep whenever I read something new about this horrific situation or one of the victims. I think we can all agree that no matter what I write about that incident, it won't significantly describe how I'm feeling, how you're feeling, how we're all feeling. There just aren't words with enough power in the English language.
My ability to try to live my own life and to try to let other live their own life has kept me in a really happy little bubble. I do what I do. You do what you do. That lady over there does what she does and everything is fine. It's not my business and I'm just fine with you. You know your family. You know your kids. You know what works best in your house. Who am I to judge?
(unless you abuse your kids and then I'll open my mouth)
Until something like this happens...and people are at a complete loss. Then then turn to the internet, namely Facebook, to see what other people are doing. People who have a lot of experience dealing with children offer their personal opinions, share professional sites that give lists of ideas and things to watch for, as well as give personal advice stemming from their professional experiences dealing with kids after tragedies.
Then you watch people do just the opposite...tons of people do the opposite and then sit back biting their fingernails, questioning their decision, wondering if trusting their husband was the "right thing to do."
(writing about it on Facebook like that's going to do anything)
The thing is, I don't think there is just one "right way" to handle this. There are many right ways to approach this with children...they may not always be comfortable or easy for parents, but there are things we can do.
Everyone wants some magic button to make their child understand what happened in a way that won't scare them. Everyone wants their children to understand the seriousness of listening to their teachers in light of what the teachers in CT did for those kids, but they want to do it without going overboard. Everyone wants to be able to speak to their children about what happened to these poor sweet babies in a way that will still make their poor sweet babies feel safe. No one wants to intentionally scare their children or make them feel unsafe...no one.
However, there is no easy way to do this.
There will be questions.
There will be tears.
There will be fear.
Personally, I'd rather be there for those questions, tears, and fear rather than having my kids hear it from someone at school whose nitwit parent had the television on all weekend making ignorant remarks about shit they don't have a fucking clue about. I'd rather be the person they hear it from. I'd rather be the one to give them the talk and answer their questions and wipe their tears and appease their fears. Maybe it's the control freak in me, but it's my job as a parent to make sure that my children are well-informed and the minute they walk out of my house with a gap in their knowledge, it leaves a perfect avenue for someone else to fill that gap...and I'm just not comfortable with that.
All of that being said, I did not tell the Crazies. They are in preschool. They are not yet 4-years old. They wouldn't understand it. They are not developmentally ready to understand that something that happened somewhere else wouldn't necessarily happen everywhere to everyone. They're way too literal.
Most of my advice, experience, and opinions went to parents with elementary age children...
Most of the parents were scared.
Most of the parents were afraid to cry.
Most of the parents didn't want to talk about this b/c if you don't talk about it, it couldn't possible happen here.
I just hope it doesn't come back on them this afternoon...at which point, I'll be trying to be quiet.
Ummm...Please Don't Steal My Craziness...Okay? Thanks!
People I Love...follow along if you're so inclined!
6 comments:
I had to shut off the computer this weekend. Too many people with their loud opinions.
I did tell my 8y/o- kept it simple and reassured him he is safe and let him ask questions. I also told my 6y/o, though kept it even more basic.
I did not tell my 4y/o preschooler b/c I don't think he'll hear about it at school.
But, the other two, I think that they will hear at least something about it. And I wanted them to hear it from me first, and not hear misinformation and think it was right.
There are parents who were ranting on our school's facebook page, saying they weren't telling their kids and they didn't want anyone else to. I just don't think it's realistic to think that no child in their school will know and talk about it.
Though I do think that this would be different if it were summertime or a school break and they wouldn't be around other kids much.
I'm about to flip out with all the FB crap. We opted not to tell our kids. We didn't think it was necessary to fill their heads with fear. Right or wrong, it's what we thought was best.
I could not agree more. I've kept the news from my son, because he's 3 1/2.. But had he been any olderI would have sat him down, chosen my words very carefully and had an honest and age appropriate discussion with him. I would be horrified if he had to process such an awful tragedy on the playground as shared by an older kid who had no true understanding of what he was saying. I can only hope that parents who are having viceral reactions are trying to shield their children from this. Kids don't need to hear debates about eye for an eye or gun control. They should be talking about Santa or snowmen!
Remember Mr. Rogers sage advice -
"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." To this day, especially in times of "disaster," I remember my mother's words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world."
I am fortunate that our girls are not-yet four...school is already out for the year...and we don't watch TV, anyway. I didn't even consider telling them what happened.
I know it won't be long, though, before I'm faced with needing to be the one to talk with them about events in the world.
I completely agree with what you said. When the time comes, I want that conversation to come from me. It won't be easy...and it certainly doesn't mean I know "how" to have that difficult talk...but I think it's important to frame things as best I can, knowing my children and the values that we've tried to instill in them.
On a mostly separate note, most of the time I love FB. It keeps me in touch with my hometown, and it's a source of entertainment on many levels. :) There are times when I have to turn it off, though...and this is one of them. It doesn't take much to get my blood pressure up around such an emotional issue, and it incenses me to see some of the commentary. I acted out of the ordinary and posting a couple of peripheral things about this tragedy...and there's so much more I want to say...but FB is not the forum for me to do that in. :/
We also opted to tell our five-year old (despite the fact that my MIL called to tell us not to). He regularly watches the news with us, so it would be hard to keep it from him anyway. We wanted him to hear it from us and be there to answer questions and reassure him that he would be safe. I knew that they would possibly address it in school as well, and as it turns out there are now uniformed police officers in his school so he would have wondered why. I also wanted to be able to talk to him about what to do to protect himself if he was ever in a similar situation without scaring him.
There is no one right way to do this. Every parent needs to evaluate and do what is best for their child in their situation.
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