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Monday, March 5, 2012

Hailey and the Green Balloon

Stop me if you heard this one before...

About a month ago, we traveled to SIL's house for Baby L's birthday.  He was turning one and that's a big deal, ya know?

It started to snow right when we got there and didn't stop.  We had no idea that it was supposed to snow (as I wore cute little fabric flats with my jeans...WTF?) and just kept thinking it would stop and that our drive home would be just peachy.

Apparently, we're meteorological idiots.

As we were leaving (a.k.a. Crazies breaking down big time from lack of sleep and excessive sugar), SIL gave the Crazies balloons.  Helium balloons are a big deal when you're a kid, ya know?  They were so happy...like whiny tired little pigs rolling around in their own poo.

They were so careful of their balloons as the got into the car and had to position them just right so that they could still touch them, but that they wouldn't be in the way of the precious DVD player.  

The drive home was ugly.  It was slushy.  It was slow.  I was a total back-seat driver and Husband wanted to kill me (looking back on it, I can't blame him...I was totally annoying).  I would say things like, "they're braking up there" and "look out for that guy...I don't trust him."  I don't know who I think I am.

World's best driver...that's who I think I am...

Oh, on top of that, I had to pee like a freaking race horse.  It was ridiculous...there was no alcohol at the party, so it wasn't that.  I did feel faint toward the end and had to drink some water, so I can only attribute it to that.  So, every bump, every gasp (yes, I was gasping...he should have killed me right then and there), and every little scare almost sent me peeing in my pants.  There was one point at which I offered to pee in the Wet-Ones container that was seated in our center console.  Husband thought I was overreacting until I told him that he HAD to stop at the Subway right off of our exit (20 minutes from home) because I wasn't going to make it.

It was the best Subway pee ever.

By the time we got home, he was at the end of his rope.  I, on the other hand, was all relieved and happy because my bladder wasn't going to explode.

Can a really great pee make you feel stoned?

We went to get the Crazies out of the car and the balloon-mania started.

Matt wouldn't get go of his string for ONE SECOND so Husband could get his arm out of the car seat.  He started screaming at Husband.  Husband lost his shit and Matt ended up crying.  Matt was so freaked about Husband possibly letting his balloon go.  We finally got Matt on solid ground...talked him down from the ledge.  

However, Hailey was right behind him.

She handed her balloon (or "bayoon" as Hailey calls it) to Husband.

Husband didn't know she was handing it to him as he was busy putting Matt on the ground.

Hailey let go.

I said, "oh no."

Which wasn't helpful at all.

Hailey started screaming her head off looking at the sky.

Matt started screaming his head off looking at the sky.

I just stood there with my hand over my mouth.

Husband didn't have a clue what had happened...what horrible tragedy had just occurred.  

He looks at me and says, "what is going ON???"

I point to the sky and say, "Hailey handed her balloon to you, but she didn't tell you and it's floating up to Heaven right now."  

I have no idea where that little lie came from, but it seemed right at the time, so I went with it.

So, there we are...in the middle of the slush/snow, two screaming kids, Husband about to kill me, and me like a stoner (still high off of my epic Subway pee) wondering why everyone was freaking out.

We made it inside the house.  Husband threw a couple of choice words my way.  Hailey's sobbing at this point.  Matt immediately went to his toy box and stuffed his balloon in there.  There was NO WAY he was allowing Husband anywhere near his balloon.

I thought Husband's head was going to explode...when he surprised me.

He said, "Hailey, I'm very sorry about your balloon...let's go to the store to get you another one."

I was shocked (as he is much nicer than I because I never would have gone out out to get another balloon...I would have turned this into a Learning Moment on communication and loss).

So, he put Hailey's boots back on, shot me a dirty look (like I was the one who let the balloon go, right?), and stepped back into the sudden and unexpected Winter Wonderland in search of a balloon.

Let me mention that it was like 9:00 at this point.

Who the fuck is going to have a helium balloon at 9:00 PM?  Good luck, buddy!

The whole time they're gone, Matt's shuffling around like a dementia patient saying, "I can't believe that happened.  I feel so bad for Hailey.  What is she going to do?  Why did Daddy do that?"

I was relishing the empathy...it rarely happens around here.

I didn't know what to do because I knew I was already in trouble for nagging about the driving for 2.5 hours.  So, I started to clean.  I clean when I'm nervous, sad, or just really pissed off.

Matt kept shuffling.

They finally came back.  Hailey had been awarded a mylar princess balloon (no latex for her).  This one had a clip (fancy-dancy).  She quickly reminded me that it was because of the clip that Daddy couldn't let it go to Heaven this time.  Matt grabbed her and made her put it in the toy box...with the lid down.

Safe keeping, ya know?

Every now and then, they'll look at the sky and ask my why Daddy let the balloon go.  I try to explain that it was a miscommunication and reassure them that the angels are playing with the green balloon...with the number one on it.

Then they ask me why Daddy let the green balloon go...again...and I pretend I didn't hear them.