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Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Setting Yourselves Up

So, this past Saturday, I opened my computer to be assailed by visions of green pee and green streamers green crap all over the place.  My sleep head wondering, "what the fuck is going on?"

Then it dawned on me...it was St. Patrick's Day.

Great.  It's St. Patrick's Day, but why are these people going nuts?  How drunk WERE they last night?

I saw some really bizarre things...green footprints on a toilet, green pee (already mentioned), a mess made using a step stool and some crackers, furniture overturned, ribbons being strewn through a house like a green nightmarish maze, a child being disappointed because "his leprechaun" didn't do enough, a zillion traps (let's not even get into that), and general craziness.

What the HELL is going on here???

Have we really come to this?

Have we not had enough with the damn Elf, Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy visiting our house?  

ISN'T THAT STRESSFUL ENOUGH???

Why are we adding more characters into the mix?  Why are we creating more work for ourselves?  Why are we creating more CLEAN UP for ourselves???

I just can't buy into it.  I guess I can get down with the green pancakes (although I didn't b/c I'm lazy) or the green milk (again, didn't), but I refuse to sit there with food coloring stirring my toilet.  How can you NOT feel like a complete loser stirring your toilet water???

Sorry if I just called one of you a loser.  Well, kinda...

Then it really came to me.  These parents...these well-meaning, spirited parents were just trying to do something cool for their kids.  They thought it would make them laugh and excited about this holiday (even though half of them probably weren't even Irish).

Then it really came to me.  These parents were going to have to do this shit for YEARS!!!  Let's say their youngest child was 3 right now.  They're going to have to carry on with these shenanigans for another 7-8 years.  That's a lot of fucking work!  That's a lot of planning and food coloring.  How in the world are they going to be able to muster up the same kind of enthusiasm for stirring the toilet year after year?

They will not be able to sustain this level of energy.  It's not human.

Then again...neither are leprechauns.