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Thursday, March 29, 2012

Poop in the Car

We had a playdate on Tuesday.

In retrospect, it probably wasn't the best day to do it, because I had just gotten back from Sister's and seriously needed to catch up on some things around the house, but I had committed and didn't want to be known as "that Mom."

So, we went.

It was fucking freezing.

We were bundled, but there are just some things you can't handle after a series of 70+ days.

Yes, I'm a spoiled brat (it was like 52 degrees...not exactly "freezing").

The other Mom was cool.  It was our first time hanging out.  Hailey is in love with her daughter and Matt accepts her as his friend b/c she "agrees that Finn McMissle is the coolest car."

We were swinging and sliding and chasing when all of the sudden, Matt said it...the thing every parent dreads hearing when you're knee-deep in an outdoor playdate.

"Mom, I gotta poop."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah...I gotta go RIGHT NOW!"

Shit motherfucking shit...what to do now???

Newmotherfriend says we can go back to her house, but I have to ignore the mess.

No problem...a messy house is better than shit in the pants any day.

Another Mom agrees to stay and watch the girls, so Hailey promptly decides this isn't good enough and announces that she's going with us.  

Fine...whatever...let's just go before Matt craps his pants.

We start to walk down the block and Matt takes off in the opposite direction yelling, "I'M POOPING IN THE CAR!!!  I DON'T WANNA GO!!!  I WANNA POOP IN THE CAR!!!!"

Shit motherfucking shit...what the hell do these Moms think about me now?

That I let the Crazies shit in the car all.the.time.  Lovely.

I have to run (which I don't do) after him because he is seriously sprinting (something I would have deemed impossible with a turtlehead, but Matt has special sphincter powers apparently).

I finally tackle him to the ground and explain to him that he is not going to poop in the car, but that's we're going back to her house to do the deed.  Remarkably, he agrees and hops on for a piggy back ride.

Again, something I deemed impossible with a turtlehead, but I had to regain control here, ya know?

We walk down the block, go inside Newmotherfriend's house, say hello to her dog, and make a beeline for the bathroom.  

Matt pees...that is all.

Hailey has to use the bathroom too (surprise, surprise).

She takes a massive crap.

WTF?

I never close the door during the Crazies' pee/shit-fest, so I'm totally thinking that I've lost Newmotherfriend as a friend and count my blessings that I have a few others.

We walk back up to the playground with Oreos and all is well with the world.

We go back to swinging, sliding, and chasing for a little while longer.  

Then I hear it again..."Mom, I gotta go poop."

It's time to go.  Playdate is ending.  Newmotherfriend is going to have to take me as I am...this will never change.

I am the proud mother of an "at-home pooper" and there's nothing I can do about it.

At least my car doesn't smell like poop!