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Thursday, February 28, 2013

Do you love your weiner? Written by Matt

No, seriously...do you love it?

Did you know that it was made by God?

Did you know that everyone apparently wants to talk about your weiner or your butt?

Did you know that if you work the word "weiner" into every conversation, people will eventually just stop talking to you?

Did you know that if you gyrate around with it at full attention, your mother will just walk away in disgust?  

It doesn't help if you giggle.

I just love my weiner.

It's just so awesome and right in front of me at all time.  How could I forget about it for a second???

I love my weiner.

And my butt.

This is a conversation I had with Mommy the other day:

Matt:  Mommy?  Did God make my body?
Mommy:  Yes.
Matt:  So God made my butt and my weiner?
Mommy (with a heavy sigh):  Yes.
Matt:  Woohoo!!!  THANK YOU GOD FOR MAKING MY WEINER AND MY BUTT AND VAGINAS AND BOOBIES!!!  THANK YOU!

I was totally psyched.  I don't know if I've ever actually had a better conversation about God.  

Now that I know what he can do with my parts, I'm wondering what's next?

What else can my weiner do?

At this point, I can tell that it makes my sister and Daddy laugh.  Mommy is getting a little sick of it.  I just think it's the funniest thing ever.

It has gotten me in trouble though.  One time I was in an argument with Hailey and I pulled my weiner out by accident.  I don't know what I was thinking.  I couldn't think of anything else to yell at her, so I did that.  Mommy was not happy.

I was sent to my room for that one.

She's also kind of sick of me singing "shake your booty" whenever I'm naked.  I get that.  It's a song that needs more words.  I'll work on that.

Since we're talking about private parts, I've come up with a new name for a bra...it's called boobie bumps.  I find this hysterical and then love to ask Mommy why her boobies are so big.  

To be honest, I don't have a lot of experience in this department, so I can't really compare.  It seems to make her laugh though, so I'll keep telling her she has big boobies.

I'm really trying to be appropriate with this stuff.  The most difficult time I have is when I'm about to get into the shower and we're just hanging around all noody waiting for Daddy to finish his shower.  It's all just so out there and I can't control myself!  I'm trying.  

Mommy told me if I do this sort of thing at school, I could get kicked out.  She also told me if I do some of this in public, I could be arrested.  I'm really not into that, so I'm trying to be very careful outside of our house.

Anyway, I just wanted to see if everyone liked their weiner as much as I love mine!

4 comments:

Amy said...

Matt - Mommy and Daddy haven't told you yet that if you play with it too much, it will fall off?

Mommy - I didn't want to purposely develop complexes in my sons so I told them that touching it was something to do in the privacy of their own rooms.

Do you remember when I had to explain to DF why her teenaged son was taking 30 minute showers? COMPLETE DENIAL!

WicketsMom said...

This could have been written about my five year old son! (I was hoping he would have grown out of it by now but no luck so far.) And no thanks to M&M's for the "I'm Sexy and I Know It" commercial that he now dances around to while showing off his "hot dog" as he calls it.

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

I am laughing...and thanking my graces I have girls. HA!

We have a closed-door bathroom policy at our house (at least we did before the girls were born). Hubby still abides by that, so the girls have never even glimpsed him on the potty. We have had a couple of our twin friends (two boys) stay with us a few times while their mom has taken care of some things. Two times ago, our girls glimpsed one of them standing to pee.

They asked me about it, and I told them that boys and girls have some different parts...that's the way God made us.

Later, A told me, "I tried to stand up to go potty, but it didn't work."

Had to test the hypothesis, huh???

Carrie27 said...

Oh my word!!!! Thankfully, E has not been flaunting his weiner. But, all three like to talk about poop in this house.