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Friday, February 22, 2013

Random Thoughts After My First Mammogram

  1. They should offer complimentary Oreos throughout the entire procedure.  They should magically appear in the waiting room, in the dressing room, in the zapping-squishing room, and again in the dressing room when you're done.
  2. For good measure, a package of Oreos should be delivered to your house a week prior to the mammogram so that you can keep yourself on an even keel.
  3. Since you can't wear deodorant, perfume, or lotion, you should at the very least be allowed to towel down with a wet-one before the procedure.  Poor lady had to deal with me after an hour long spin class...with no deod!  
  4. When the squishing begins, I truly believe they should have some sort of aromatherapy action.  If it would make a lady feel better to smell the Oreos while she's being squished, let's get that going.  
  5. The thing that squishes shouldn't be clear.  No one needs to see what's happening to their boob.
  6. Someone should tell you not to try to stand on your tiptoes.  I kept trying to do that b/c my boob was getting higher and it doesn't help.  Not one single bit.  She literally put her hand on my shoulder and said, "stop doing that."  All I could wonder is "how many hands does this woman have???"
  7. There should be some sort of music.  If I could have listened to Thrift Shop during my procedure, I think it would have been quite pleasant.
  8. This procedure should never even be carried out by a handsome younger man...ever.
  9. One should not laugh when the tech tells you that you can take a pain killer if needed.  I totally busted out laughing and she was dead serious.  She proceeded to tell me that people have fainted in that room.  WTF???  
  10. I truly believe that everything I went through with infertility, IUIs, IVF, a twin pregnancy, a c-section, and learning how to nurse twins has not only increased my tolerance for pain, but it's also made me realize that I don't care how you touch me, as long as you ask permission first! 
  11. Finally, upon leaving, you should be handed a complimentary coupon to the nearest sushi joint, bar, or liquor store.  After all, you made it through something very stressful and mildly uncomfortable.  Treat yourself!


Marcia (123 blog) said...

So darling, what's going on? Did you have a mammogram just for kicks or did you find something?

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

I had a mammogram a year ago, and I didn't think it was a big deal. Of course I don't have much to maybe that was a contributing factor???...and it's certainly not like I'm looking forward to the next one...but it was easier than a pelvic exam, any day!

Of course anything can be made better by Oreos and sushi. Sign me up! ;)

Chrissy said...

My Mom always asks what happens if the power goes out!

Mandy said...

Why isn't there a do no look disclaimer? Seriously! I was so traumatized! That may have been due to the factor it was MY NEIGHBOR administering the squish! Ugh...

Mom said...

I am so proud of you! I didn't even know you were going (or I would have probably driven down like a bat out of hell and insisted on going with you, which is why you probably didn't mention it, huh?)! Anyway, your observations are dead-on - I don't personally care for the Oreos part but can see why you would. What I obsess about is that it is obvious that a man invented this for women. I'd like to see him put his dick in there and get the treatment. Oh, yeah, he'd re-think that machine post-haste. Glad it's over - you have your baseline and it's all good. Love you...

The Captain's Wife said...

^your mom is a riot!

I had one years ago due to some issues i was having with my breasts (all was fine) and really didnt think it was as horrible as people make it out to be. and i have pretty big girls.

In CT men can not become certified to administer mammograms. I like that.

Meghan said...

I think the same thing as your mom...this was so obviously invented by a man. And then I get all girl power crazy and think that there are sooooo many smart woman in the world, why on earth hasn't someone invented a better way to do this. The whole thing is just terrible.

Hope you got good results!!

Hillary said...

Ugh. Because of my family history, I need to start getting these soon. Oreos would make the whole process a lot more appealing!

strongblonde said...

little T loves that song. he will randomly tell me that he has $20 in his pocket! ha!

good for you getting your first mammogram done. :) and i'm so impressed that you went after spinning. there is no way i would go anywhere after spinning. i'm so totally gross!!!

i'm hoping everything was fine and you're good for a bit!!

Mr. Thompson and Me said...

You should pitch these ideas to Oreo. just reading it made me laugh...and want another damn Oreo.

Subliminal message?

Carrie27 said...

I'm terrified for my little boobies to have to go through this torture chamber.