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Wednesday, July 24, 2013

PYHO - I Was Wanted...for a minute

Yesterday I had an appointment at Go.ddard regarding changes in the Crazies' school schedules.  In light of the recent, "you're a great teacher, but aren't familiar enough with the Common Core, so we can't find a job for you" ordeal, we are going to have to scale back the kids' schooling.  

And I'm fine with that.

We have to be able to live within our means and we made the decision to send them for an extra year (at a much steeper price) thinking that I wouldn't have a problem getting a job.

And then I did.

And I'm fine with that because as I get older, I realize that things don't always go as we plan.  

(and does that suck ass)

Who knew I wouldn't learn all of my most important lessons in my 20s?

(my mother probably knew)

Anyway, as we discussed the changes, we involved all sorts of contingency plans.  What if I get hired for a long term sub position?  Can we add hours to the day?  How much will it cost?  What is the difference?  What will hold our spot?  All of that shit.  I mentioned how frustrated I was that we even had to have this conversation.  Then she said it...

"Well, we're hiring if you're interested.  I think you'd be great."

Holy shit...really?  You think I'd be great?

(cue shy gushing and blushing that makes me want to kick my own ass)

Okay, slow down there, cowgirl...ask some questions.

"What is the age group?"
"How many hours per week?"
"What is the pay?"

"18-24 months"
"That depends"
"$12 per hour"

Oy...all of that is not exactly what I had in mind, but for a minute, I was wanted.

Someone thought that I would be good enough to do a job that was in my field.  

(kinda, sorta...I make things work when I'm desperate)

Someone wanted to hire me.

(looking back, someone wanted me to fill out an application)

Then she mentioned that the tuition would be 50% off as well.

Can't beat that with a bat, but all of the other stuff?  That didn't work for me.  I'd still have to tutor at night (making 5x as much per hour while tutoring and not wiping asses).  I wouldn't have time to take courses which I need in order to maintain my certification.  It would not allow me the flexibility for me to take a job within my desired county if there was a long term leave position.  Also, this is not what I really want to do.

As I spoke with Husband, he immediately showed concern at my hopeful giddiness.  He's an engineer...that's what they do.  I should be used to it.

(but after 10 years, I always expect him to get as excited as I do)

Upon returning home, some Crazy did something that set me off.

(shocker...have I told you how petrified I am that we don't have ANY camps for August???)

I sent them both up to their rooms and started weeping.  I started weeping that I was so desperate to be wanted that I was willing to avoid any and all logical thinking.  Hmmm...that's how some of my worst relationships started way back when...not a good cycle to get back into.

This wasn't a logical decision.  Yes, 50% off the tuition was incredibly attractive, but I wouldn't be paid what I deserve, I don't particularly like other people's snotty kids, and I wouldn't have time to pursue what I need to do to get back into the classroom.

It's a lose-lose.

(except for the tuition and that is still niggling at me)

Anyway, I'm not going to do it.  It was nice to be wanted for a minute, but it's not what is good for me or my family.

And I'm fine with that.

Thanks,'s been a while and I needed to get it out!


strongblonde said...

i'm proud of you. it takes a lot to not jump back into the warmness of feeling wanted. it takes a special person to be with a room of 18-24 month olds (not that you're NOT're a different kind of special that likes middle schoolers!). and i'm totally the same way. i would start trying to calculate the reduced tuition savings into the salary so that i could "feel" like i am making closer to what i deserve.

this isn't still don't know what will evolve, right? :)

Hillary said...

While I totally get this (and am guilty of having acted irrationally for the exact same reasons), you need to know that you ARE good at what you do, and you WILL find a position that is much more up your alley.

Marcia (123 blog) said...

oh, I wouldn't even have STOPPEd at the mention of 18 - 24 month olds :)

And waitaminute, seriously tutoring is 5 times that amount? whoa - I should start tutoring for some extra bucks ?:)

Shell said...

I'm sorry it's not something that could work out.

I couldn't do that age group. Though the tuition discount sounds nice!

Barbara Manatee said...

I don't think I could handle that age group either. A friend tried to get me to go back to school a few years ago to get my early childhood endorsement with her. I knew I never wanted to teach early childhood though and I'm glad i didn't do it. In my 14 years of teaching, I've gradually moved up in age...early ele, upper ele and now middle school. I definitely appreciate the independence and understanding of rules and routines at the older ages than the lil ones who don't even know how to sit still for a minute!

Glad you stuck with what's good for YOU, not just jumping at anything.

Hang in there...

Carrie27 said...

Hugs!!!! This post is actually reassuring me with my most recent decision career wise. It was a HUGE decision.