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Sunday, October 13, 2013

Just Barely Above the Water

When 2013 started, I chose a word.  The word was SETTLE.

I can tell you that there are certain parts of this life of mine that are settled.  My marriage is good as gold.  The Crazies are settled into their school routine finally.  I am finally settling back into my portable (long story...two moves b/c of mold remediation...ick).  

However, I don't feel settled.

My youngest brother had a seizure last weekend.  No particular reason.  Nothing was found in subsequent tests.

It scared the crap out of me and then I realized that I hadn't even really dealt with my feelings about this until today...a goddamn week later.

That's unsettling.

Why did it take so long?  What was I doing?  Why haven't I called him?

I have texted him, but that's not enough.

That's just not enough.

With all that I'm doing, it's not enough.

That's unsettling.

I am not feeling settled.

There is so much.  There is the house, the Crazies, Husband, GG, sister, Cassie, Husband's family, BFF, friends, co-workers, students, parents, tutoring, bills, shopping, cleaning, organizing, grading, eating, cooking, laundry (omgthefuckinglaundry), just keeping the damn train on the tracks.

There is just so much.

It's no wonder I feel overwhelmed by what I have to do for this life and underwhelmed by life itself.

I'm just a cog in a machine.

A machine that will not run without me, but is barely running with me.

There are times when I feel I can barely take a breath.

I know that it takes a lot to settle back into being at work and not having the time I used to.  I get that.  It's just that when do you get that back?  I try to use my friend as an example...she went back to work 2 years before I did.  I barely heard from her the first year and now things are better.  Logically I know things will get better...I just can't see the light at the end of this particular tunnel yet.

I know I will.

I feel small parts of life as I go through my days.  The delighted gasp of a student as she finally figures out how to simplify exponential expressions.  The giggles of the Crazies as they run around trying to get their shoes on in the morning.  The quick hug from Husband when I get home at 8:30 at the end of my longest day with 4 hours of tutoring after teaching a full day.  The kiss on my cheek from GG as I drop her at the airport.  I feel those.  The rest of it is just a blur.

Maybe I'm just whining.

Maybe I have a valid point.

Maybe I just need a good yoga class to get it all out.

Maybe I just need to give myself a year of living in this routine and then start to branch out and do more.

Maybe I just need to cut myself a break.

Maybe I need to plan a vacation.

Maybe it needs to stop raining.

Maybe I need to give myself some quiet time every day to reflect.

Maybe I need to blog more.

Maybe this is just how life is and I need to get used to it.

I don't miss being home with the Crazies.  I don't think we could have lasted one more year being together that much (sounds sad, doesn't it?).  I think we were ready. I miss my time being my own.  I miss being able to do things when I wanted to do them.  I miss working out in the morning on my schedule.

I know it will get better.  I know I will settle further into this life.  I know I will look back on my days as a SAHM with fondness and thank God I got the chance to do it in the first place.

Until then, I'll just keep my head barely above water and pray that Hailey's runny nose doesn't turn into more.  The train really may fall off the tracks if I get a sick child this week.

Thanks for letting me vent.


Danifred said...

Yes to all this. I'm not working full time, but the part time work and juggling the kids makes me batty. While I have no good reason to be unhappy, I'm unsettled and yearning for more.
I totally get this post.

Stacie said...

I'm another one who gets it. I think I compensate by going to bed late. I am in a perpetual state of fatigue, but it's the only way I have time to decompress.

Many hugs.

Hillary said...

I'm right there with you, and I don't even have kids. You just do the best you can, when you can, and know that you won't always be able to do EVERYTHING. I'm so glad to hear you're enjoying your time back at school though!!

Barbara Manatee said...

I've worked ever since the twins were babies so I've been doing this 6+ years....and there are still plenty of times were I feel I'm just barely keeping my head above water. I go in spurts where I've got work under control and home is utter chaos. Other times home is running smoothly but work is insane. And then there are the times when I can't seem to keep anything I'm juggling in the air. Then there are those very rare moments (and I do mean moments...) that things somehow all come together and I feel like a super star. (those are few and far between)..

Today was a perfect example...A has been sick but seemed better today. We made it to Sunday school and church, ran some errands and made it to a friend's Halloween party. Thought A was ok but definitely wasn't ok while at the party. Got home, got dinner togegther, everyone seemed happy...then A crashed, went to bed early and then the phone rang - was my parents and I immediately worried something was wrong...only to realize that it was my dad calling to say thanks for the birthday card. Yup - I'd been on it earlier this week and remembered to send a card...but then forgot to call him today. Fail!

So...don't beat yourself up - you're an awesome mom and likely an awesome teacher. We're hardest on ourselves - I'm sure you're doing great, despite the constant worry of if you're doing enough.

Deep breath!!

Mandy said...

This is what scares me! I'm terrified to work again because how on earth could I possibly manage?! How can you make family time, or relax on the weekends, if you have to catch up from the previous week?

Big talking point at our house as the ladies will start school next fall and we're not sure what that means for me.

Keep treading and find your way, then tell us all the secrets!

Lisa said...

I am sure you are doing much better than you realize. I never got to stay home past maternity leave, but you always find a way to make it work. And you are doing awesome.

I mean, look at me, you actually got a comment from me. :)

Carrie27 said...

Hugs!!! I am sure it takes time, and I don't know if there is ever a deadline to it all.