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Friday, February 22, 2013

Random Thoughts After My First Mammogram

  1. They should offer complimentary Oreos throughout the entire procedure.  They should magically appear in the waiting room, in the dressing room, in the zapping-squishing room, and again in the dressing room when you're done.
  2. For good measure, a package of Oreos should be delivered to your house a week prior to the mammogram so that you can keep yourself on an even keel.
  3. Since you can't wear deodorant, perfume, or lotion, you should at the very least be allowed to towel down with a wet-one before the procedure.  Poor lady had to deal with me after an hour long spin class...with no deod!  
  4. When the squishing begins, I truly believe they should have some sort of aromatherapy action.  If it would make a lady feel better to smell the Oreos while she's being squished, let's get that going.  
  5. The thing that squishes shouldn't be clear.  No one needs to see what's happening to their boob.
  6. Someone should tell you not to try to stand on your tiptoes.  I kept trying to do that b/c my boob was getting higher and it doesn't help.  Not one single bit.  She literally put her hand on my shoulder and said, "stop doing that."  All I could wonder is "how many hands does this woman have???"
  7. There should be some sort of music.  If I could have listened to Thrift Shop during my procedure, I think it would have been quite pleasant.
  8. This procedure should never even be carried out by a handsome younger man...ever.
  9. One should not laugh when the tech tells you that you can take a pain killer if needed.  I totally busted out laughing and she was dead serious.  She proceeded to tell me that people have fainted in that room.  WTF???  
  10. I truly believe that everything I went through with infertility, IUIs, IVF, a twin pregnancy, a c-section, and learning how to nurse twins has not only increased my tolerance for pain, but it's also made me realize that I don't care how you touch me, as long as you ask permission first! 
  11. Finally, upon leaving, you should be handed a complimentary coupon to the nearest sushi joint, bar, or liquor store.  After all, you made it through something very stressful and mildly uncomfortable.  Treat yourself!